Published in CityLife Magazine, Chiang Mai, Thailand June 2002

I Remember it Well ….
The Strengths of the Animals

It’s strange the conversations that one gets into when sitting in an expatriate watering hole. 
 
CHIANG MAI, Thailand – 7 May 2002 – Not so long ago a bunch of us were sitting around glugging our favourite nectars (Diet Coke with lots of ice for the teetotal in 2002 me), when the subject turned to the comments that tourists make when visiting our adopted home city.  

Lots of anecdotes came forward, many unprintable here, but also some wisdoms of the aged, imparted with the best of intentions, and which remain salutary lessons to us all.  Here is one of my favourites….  

A long, long time ago, in a restaurant not far, far away (apologies to Star Wars) a small group of British backpackers were in conversation with the owner of the hostelry.  This was just before the (first) end of the last Millennium and a new beer had arrived on the market.  

Packed in a bottle that was similarly shaped to Newcastle Brown Ale but of a dark green glass, Black Tiger beer was to lager beers what Guinness is to traditional real ale.  It was black and thick, with a creamy head, and a kick like an elephant on methamphetamines.  In short, it was what ale drinkers in Thailand had been missing. 

Due to the massive publicity of it’s launch (you might have noticed the two line comment in that October’s Bangkok Post), statistics and alcoholic content values were public domain knowledge for all of the Thai beers.    

The conversation began with one of the backpackers wanting to know why Beer Chang (Elephant Beer) got them so drunk, so quickly. 
 
“Ah …” began their host knowingly, “what do you drink when you’re in the UK?”. 
 
It transpired they were “pints of bitter” people and unused to the vagaries of high strength, synthetic lager beers.  A knowing smile flowed across the collective faces of the expat contingent.  

“Well” launched their host, “it’s all in the mathematics of consumption.  Back home you drink a pint of 4% or 4.5% ale over a period of about 30 to 40 minutes and probably have eight or nine in an evening, right?”  

Agreement all round was quickly established and their tutor ploughed on, “So, when you’re here, how many Beer Chang’s do you have in a night?” “About nine or ten big bottles each” came the reply.  It was followed by low whistles of respect around the middle aged Sangsom and Heineken addicts.

“Have you ever thought about what’s in the bottle you’re drinking?” pursued the restaurant owner, and having gained negative replies, he continued, “Each large bottle of Chang is three quarters of a litre, that’s as near as makes no difference, two pints per bottle, so without looking at the strength differences, you’re already drinking twice as much liquid as back home.”  

Knowing nods bobbed around the oldies now leaning forward on their seats.  

“However you also have to look at the alcohol in the different beers.  The newspaper has just published comparative figures because of the launch of Black Tiger beer,” the expats looked lasciviously at the glass fronted beer fridge, “and you may not know it, but Black Tiger is stated to have 9.5%, Chang 8.5 to 9%, and Singha (Lion Beer) around 6.5% alcohol by volume.  All of which means the beer you’re drinking here is twice the strength of what you drink back home.”  

The penny failed to drop fully, there was a metaphorical ‘clunk’ as it got stuck in the coin chute, and the speaker illuminated, “It means that you’re drinking twice the physical volume of beer, at twice the strength of what you drink back home, equivalent to forty pints of Whitbread’s Best Bitter, in one night, and you want to know why you get drunk so quick?”  He sat back and waited.  

Slowly, painfully, cautiously, and timidly, enlightenment dawned on their faces with all the reticence of a virgin bride disrobing on her wedding night.  

Several minutes and bottles of elephant water later; the brightest of the bunch ventured, “So what you’re saying is that two and a half bottles of this beer is the same as a ten pint bash back home?”

“Exactly” intoned the host triumphantly with private visions of becoming a television teaching-star par excellence.  

“Wow, so that’s why this is the Land of Smiles.” trumpeted the enraptured youngster.

It’s a great feeling being able to communicate important messages such as the one in this story, as any teacher will tell you.  However, this tale has a more salutary message that’s not immediately obvious.  In the UK, the drink driving laws have a legal limit equivalent to two pints of ordinary strength beer. After that you’re officially drunk and prohibited from driving.  Translate that into Thai beer standards, and the maximum consumption is one small bottle of beer, due to it’s strength.  I don’t want to be a killjoy, but the traffic fatality & accident figures from Songkran make sobering reading.

If you’re a bar or restaurant owner, you have a responsibility for the safety of your patrons, that includes making sure they understand what they’re consuming, in order to remain safe after they leave your premises.

Do them a favour and display a board showing the strengths of your drinks, it’s very trendy in the UK right now and does wonders for sales.  In Thailand the beer manufacturers (unless franchised to foreign breweries) don’t show the strength of alcohol on their beer bottles.  This may be due to quality control issues, certainly Beer Chang doesn’t have the kick it used to have.  Which is why I’m having twelve months off it, to remove the immunity built up over the years of over-indulgence.

Look out on New Year’s Eve, the subscription on my pledge runs out then.