Published in City Life Magazine, Chiang Mai – December 2002

Christmas is Coming

CHIANG MAI, Thailand – 10 November 2002

Christmas is coming,
The goose is getting fat,
It’s time to stop the salads,
And give up on khao phat.

And of course, it’s time to drag out the tree, find a fairy, and polish your baubles (stop it – you know what I mean).  

It’s that time of year in the west that heralds good cheer, peesh on Earth, and good swill to all men. 

So here, instead of my usual quixotic railing at the windmills of Thai bureaucracy and government, are my own contributions for your office (or wherever) party – the obligatory drunken sing-along, and first up, being farangs, we all naturally have to memorise the words of “WHITE Christmas”.  This is in order to break into them at totally inappropriate times, such as standing in the queue at Immigration or the Work Permit Office, then to soothe the situation; we have “Merry Christmas Ev’rybody” – the raucous but invigorating version by Slade naturally.  And to finish the compulsory kroaky combo, “Santa Claus is coming to town”.

Understandably, the original lyrics may be a bit alien to locals – just as we are really.  But especially to employers who want us to work on our major religious festival of the year, whilst at the drop of the ash from an incense stick, they declare a national holiday and then don’t pay us for the time we don’t want to take off work.  Mai Pen Rai, or is that the modified Christmas version – Mince Meat Pie?

So, below are the opening offerings for localised versions of some of the best Christmas tunes around.  If you have any more, email them to me via the editor.  I’ll try to arrange printing of a Chiangmai Hymnal in time for a Tourist Authority sponsored Trafalgar/Times Square style New Year’s Party at the Three Kings (the pub – not the statues near the Court House), which is most appropriately named for a sing-along at this time of year (check your bible – you Philistine!).  Errmm – we do have a pub of that name don’t we ….?  What?  Why not?  Psst – Frank & Tay at No-Name Café (Ratvithi Road) grab that name quick.

I’ve also heard rumour there is to be a mince pie skimming contest, somewhere on the East Moat, sometime around Christmas – allegedly sponsored by the Siam Cement catering division.  Teams from State Railways and Thai Airways catering divisions were testing secret recipes at Huay Tung Tao in November.  The Irrigation Department bosses vetoed a late team entry from the British Royal Air Force … something about security at the Bhumipol & Sirikit dams.  Local police also vetoed a San Francisco team calling themselves the “Frisbee Flickers”, as they were judged to be of high risk to the local drug trafficking and transsexual community.  Mince Meat Pie (again).

Seasons Gleetings to one and all.

WHITE CHRISTMAS (Bong Crispy version)

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know.
Where those beer-tops glisten,
And bargirls listen
To hear khatoeys in the show.
 
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
With every cute face that I sight,
“May your smiles be merry and bright,
And may all your bar-fine bills be light”.
 
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know.
Where those beer-tops glisten,
And bargirls listen
To hear khatoeys in the show.
 
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
With every cute smile that I sight,
“May your smiles be merry and bright,
And kiss all your mistresses tonight”.

For some reason or other, CityLife’s editors decided not to include the following two songs when they published this article  

MERRY CHRISTMAS EV’RYBODY

Are you hanging up her stocking on your wall?
It’s the time that every farang has a ball
Does she ride the red nosed reindeer?
Send the fat one on his way?
Do the fairies keep him sober for a day?
 
Chorus:
So here it is merry Christmas
Everybody’s having fun
Look to the beer bars now
It’s only just begun
 
Are you waiting for the farangs to arrive?
Are you sure you got the beers to spare inside?
Does your thee-rak always tell ya that the old songs are the best?
Then she’s up and rock ‘n’ rollin’ with the rest
 
Chorus:
So here it is merry Christmas
Everybody’s having fun
Look to the beer bars now
It’s only just begun
What will your jai yen do
When it sees your girlfriend kissin’ Santa Claus?
Ah ah

Are you hanging up her stocking on your wall?
Are you hoping that the price will start to fall?
Do you ride on down to Loy Kroh on a Honda you’ve not paid?
When you land upon your head then you’ve been slayed
 
Chorus (4x)
So here it is merry Christmas
Everybody’s having fun
Look to the beer bars now
It’s only just begun

FARANG GUYS (Santa Clauses) ARE COMING TO TOWN
 
You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry
You better not pout, though I’m telling you why:
Farang Guys are coming to town
Farang Guys are coming to town
Farang Guys are coming to town
 
They’re making a list, They’re checking it twice
They’re gonna find out who is naughty or nice
 
You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry
You’d better not pout, though I’m telling you why:
Farang Guys are coming to town
Farang Guys are coming to town
Farang Guys are coming to town
 
They see when you are sleeping
And they know when you’re awake
They know if you’ve been bad or good
So be bad for goodness sake
 
You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry
You’d better not pout, though I’m telling you why:
Farang Guys are coming to town
Farang Guys are coming to town
Farang Guys are coming to town
 
They see when you are sleeping
And they know when you’re awake
They know if you’ve been bad or good
So be bad for goodness sake
 
You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry
You’d better not pout, though I’m telling you why:
Farang Guys are coming to town
Farang Guys are coming to town
Farang Guys are coming to town