Published in CityLife Magazine, Chiang Mai, Thailand – September 2003

Cupid’s Caveat Emptor

CHIANG MAI, Thailand – 12 Aug 2003 - Humans are social animals.  We seek the company of others and prosper when we have it.  

The prosperity gained from working with others is a dichotomy of modern life.  Often it places pressures on our personal lives that make us become socially isolated after leaving the office.  That western society suffers this is undisputed, but does it exist here in Thailand; both in expatriate and in native Thai societies?

Western “dating scenes” are more diverse than in Asian cultures.  In “Caucasia” we think nothing of developing relationships in a bar or nightclub, but does the same apply here, and do “good” candidates attend such places?  If not, how do people find each other, or are they introduced by third parties?  Are foreigners excluded from what many see as arranged relationships with the perfect partner?  Or do we simply look in the wrong locations?

As virile adults, some may consider partner-introductions as a “cop-out”, or last resorts for the romantically rejected, yet they’ve been around longer than writing – even the Beatles sang about them.  How much does “lonely hearts” prejudice thought, instead of being an acceptable “friendship introduction” route? Dating agencies prefer the latter description whilst remodelling themselves for the 21st century, and inter-racial agencies, particularly in Asia, suffer problems shaking off twenty-year old “mail-order bride” images. 

Discussions with several agents revealed most western clients, who’ve never been here, fall into two distinct camps – those entrenched in the mail-order bride mentality, or whose only knowledge of Asian women is their physical beauty. 

Most agencies attempt educating or weeding out unsuitable candidates (of both sexes), but increased Internet use makes it more difficult.  Most believe that foreigners seeking a Thai partner need prior exposure to the country, culture, character, and cuisine.  They also recognise East and West have directly opposed cultures concerning child-parent financial obligations.  This (they say) causes many failed relationships – particularly with western males and eastern females.  They claim good agencies counsel foreigners about this, including that middle class Thai families are moving towards western-style financial dependency models.

I contacted several ladies from around the country to discover why they used agencies (please darling, put the knife down), and examined several web-based services.  Contrary to expat mythology, Thai female advertisers are not mainly Isaanese migrants in Patpong and Pattaya.  

Many are in banking and finance, sales and marketing, or government offices – several work in the Thai Revenue Service (tax officers).  The latter cite working hours and workload pressures for using an agency.  Others, most especially in Bangkok, say commuting robs them of energy and time to “hunt” using normal channels and venues.  All state they avoid workplace relationships due to obvious connotations for career advancement.  Half the interviewees took Degrees in western countries, claim native-Thai partners hold no attraction for them since repatriation, and that they use agencies to avoid confusion with “wives for rent”.

Ning (all names changed) works for a German industrial machinery company.  She describes her year as one third in Thailand, another third in Germany, and the remainder in airports, airplanes, and hotels.  She claims no Thai husband would accept her absences and travelling, that they’d feel threatened by her income and status, and likely to establish minor wives during her absences.  She believes a foreign husband would not have these insecurities and would support her career continuing.

Ae is South European sales and marketing rep for one of Thailand’s largest porcelain producers.  She visits Europe several times a year and speaks several languages from there.  Educated in Australia, she declares no intention of ever marrying a Thai.  Again claiming he could not accept her job seniority or higher income.

Kaew is receptionist at a foreign-funded, international travel agency, and maintains a more western than Asian attitude.  Her work schedule prohibits time for partner hunting, and she hopes to avoid Sino-Thai elders marrying her off into China, thus she started using the Internet to find a foreign partner.

All three ladies said they’d met several candidates and had platonic relationships.  They still look for Mr White and Right.  Their opinions of Thai partners summarise attitudes in the non-gay, male, adverts I encountered where “stay at home spouses” were requested.I tracked down several foreigners willing to discuss using agencies.  They stated that agencies are routes to partners from outside the “bar scene”, and believe there is no other way to do it in Thailand, claiming local “society” appears closed to them.  Several bemoan lack of  “regular back-home type bars” for meeting people.Finding Internet dating services is easy enough, although costs, service quality, and facilities vary widely.  

Several big-name companies, including AOL, Microsoft, and Yahoo, have jumped on this bandwagon in recent years.  If you reside locally – ignore them, and instead look either for companies based in Thailand (they understand good and bad heart), or major sites such as the FriendFinder network (5 million+ users) or ICQ (7 million+).  They became big, running a specialised service, because they’re good at it. 

I located only one local service based in bricks and mortar – near Chiangmai Gate – but many in Bangkok.  Local magazines appear to have dropped heart-to-heart columns at a time of growing demand.

If you encounter someone on the Internet and want to meet personally, follow the rules -

• Always tell someone where you’ll be, with whom, and why.  Even the biggest can topple easily if ambushed, especially love-struck or eager-hearted foreigners.
• Take time before agreeing to a meeting.  Don’t rush a relationship; remember the old adage, “Marry in haste, repent at leisure”.
• Remember your manners.  This new style for an old practice changes nothing. 
• Compliments, small gifts, and thoughtfulness are more appreciated than egotistical over-confidence and money splashing.

If you’re looking, good luck, be yourself, and don’t be ashamed to admit you need other peoples’ help finding a partner.  One friend of mine after doing so, unknowingly, had an entire college go partner-hunting; they found one, and now the couple are happily married, without the traumas associated with the easier successes we hear so much about.  And it didn’t cost a single satang for the service. 

Author’s note – apologies to the western girls looking for guys.  Column space and deadlines prevented more data gathering.  Perhaps someone would like to follow-up for the letters page, or for City Life’s on-line forum?