CHIANGMAI, Thailand – 25 September 2005

Have you ever taken part in a conversation that draws its focus from the truly important minutia of daily living?

If not, then some would say you’re not yet qualified to enter the ranks of the higher expatriates.

Take for example such vexing issues as, “Why do home delivery pizzas taste better than the ones at the same company’s restaurants?”

Alternatively, “Why do own-brand croissants, from Tesco Lotus Hang Dong, taste better than those from the northern branch?”  Such intrigue has been heard around Chiangmai’s expatriate circles.

Of course, such questions would be unlikely to appear in a conversation with tourists, but such issues underlie the very essence of elitist expatriatism and the attention to hidden details discussed by those of that ilk.

Ask yourself, how often do you automatically stop your vehicle at pedestrian crossings, and how do you feel when the rest of Chiangmai’s traffic goes sailing past, thus negating the effect of your obedience of driving rules and courtesy.

Now consider yourself as a pedestrian.  Do you confidently step onto those same crossings in expectation of the traffic flow allowing you to boldly go where any sane local never would?  Hmm, thought so.  Not yet ready for admission to the “right” drinking establishments are you?

When it comes to that most glorious of expatriate luxuries, the mid-afternoon fried breakfast with the free reading material, which do you reach for first – the Bangkok Post, The Nation, or one of the free English language magazines?  Be careful here, in the first few days of the month, its perfectly acceptable for expats to grab the new issues, but later into the month, it could be a giveaway about your length of time “in-country”.

Having acquired the appropriate publication, you then have to consider which end to read first.  Publication choice, of course, decides sometimes, as does hot topic of the day.  During the World Cup, for example, it was accepted that certain “types” would seek the sports pages first.  However, what does it say if you read the Business section before the News section?  Moreover, if the News section has priority, should you dive direct to the letters page, or savour it as the dessert after the tripe and onions of the leading stories?

Such actions and decisions become the behavioural guiding light of certain expatriate classes, the ones who having discovered your new desire to reside in “The Rose” will gravely warn you that, “If you haven’t heard a good rumour by ten in the morning, invent one”.

That might explain why the traffic, running over your toes at the pedestrian crossing, all stops at the newspaper vendor ten yards up the street, narrowly missing the monks giving blessings at the kerbside, before a croissant drops into their alms bowl via the experienced lob of a county class midfielder.

Remember though, that the drivers may be racing off to meet the pizza delivery boy for a quickie … Stop it! … I meant a G and T (iced and sliced?) before the sun crosses the yardarm.  Or is that rumour mongering?

On a similar topic, there is the classical quote from one elderly, indomitable, ex-Empire expatriate concerning how to mix the perfect late morning G and T.  It went something like this …

(Steward) Excuse me ma’am, are you ready to order?

(Woman) G and T please.

(Steward) Certainly ma’am, how would you like it?

(Woman) Young man.  There is only one way to serve that drink.  A gin and tonic should be finely balanced.  Balancing presupposes a requirement for weighing.  Balance the drink like the verb, not like the noun; the verb has two G’s and no T.